St. Patrick’s Day has arrived, and once again, we have a great excuse for a college kid’s favorite activity – day drinking.
A good bout of day drinking often turns into night drinking… or just regular drinking? Whatever, you’re catching on. The point is, you have to make it from the AM shenanigans to PM debauchery and this survival guide will help you do just that.
Let’s get started:
10:00 am
GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE! Were you thinking you better grab a fast food breakfast to brace your stomach for what’s coming? Sorry Charlie, you’re already behind schedule and this train ain’t stoppin’ for nobody! Grab yourself a mimosa or a Bloody Mary, and let’s get this show on the road.
12:00 pm
The parade is about to start and you’ve already downed a couple mimosas. You’re probably working on your second beer when all of a sudden that sweet smell of fried food wafts into your nostrils, and you realize your stomach is screaming at you for some nourishment. RESIST THE TEMPTATION! I REPEAT – RESIST THE TEMPTATION! Keep on chuggin’ baby! Once that fried food hits your stomach, you’re a goner for sure. Next thing you know, you’ll be looking for a nap and who naps on St. Patty’s Day? That’s right, the weak. Fill yourself up with water, a lighter snack, a beer, and you’ll be A-OK.
3:00 PM
You’ve been hitting the sauce pretty good so far since this morning, and you’re really starting to feel it. This is the peak of your Day Drinking, the moment you’ve been waiting for: The Drunchies, or the “Drunk Munchies.” The moment you see them, you know those golden arches are calling your name.
You stumble a little bit, but finally make it through the doors to your drunken Promised Land. You order the biggest and greasiest option you can focus your fluttering, intoxicated eyes on and eat it like the fat kid who got cake at his welcome home party from fat camp.
5:00 PM
You made it! Despite whatever vomit may be on your shoes or in your hair, YOU MADE IT! Day drinking is officially over, and it’s time to go clean yourself up before heading anywhere else so you aren’t nearly as embarrassed about yourself as you might want to be tomorrow. 5 PM also marks the beginning of your pre-game for the night, so crack open your finest bag of Franzia and slap away. You’ll know you’re ready for the night when the temptation to text your ex sets in.
6:00 PM
You’ve made it to the bar. Now, you just have to look sober enough for the bouncer to let you in, but judging by the other people in pretty bad shape all around you, you’re golden, Ponyboy. To keep your buzz going on strong, get to the bar ASAP and order a round of shots for you and your friends. What could go wrong with shots? Actually, let’s not think about that…
8:00 PM
Wow, I’m genuinely surprised that you’ve made it this far. Congrats! But about three drinks ago, you started to get a little sloppy. Time to call it quits with the Blue Motorcycles and Car Bombs and say goodbye to the unnervingly slimy floors and smoke filled air that is kissing your lungs. Call up your Uber now because in T-10, you’re going to be mopping the floor with your face.
10:30 PM
After a long day filled with green beer, green jello shots, greasy fast food, and embarrassing yourself, you deserve to be in bed before 11 PM! Bonus points if you didn’t even toss your cookies. Extra bonus points if you are in your own bed! Super extra bonus points if your ex isn’t with you! Hopefully, you’ve showered off the parade dirt and bar sludge from your skin with water hot enough to scorch your soul. Now do yourself one more favor and fill up two large cups of your new best friend, H2O, and chug one now and save one on your nightstand for tomorrow morning when your mouth tastes like Death took up shop in there. Sweet dreams!
The Next Morning:
Rise and shine! It’s time for damage control. Time to scroll through your Snapchat story and delete any incriminating photos as well as whatever photos your so-called “friends” decided to Instagram/Tweet/post to Facebook of you. Save yourself the regret and don’t even look at your texts. Now roll over and grab some ibuprofen, turn on Netflix, and forget that the world exists… until next year, of course.
What’s your advice for surviving St. Patrick’s Day? Share it in the comments below!
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